One weekday morning I opened my eyes and all of a sudden, my mind was flooded with every bad memory I had about myself, and negative things that happened in my life. These memories were things that still had a mark on me. Things that still made me feel less than. The memories consisted of times when I had been rejected. Crazy right. Apparently I was still holding onto feelings of rejection and I didn't even realize it.
As my mind played memories like someone scrolling though pictures on a camera roll, tears flowed down my face, literal tears. All I could feel was the pain of rejection.There was the time when I didn't make the cheerleading team. Sounds silly right. Yeah, apparently it meant way more to me than I thought it did. Not making teams was consistent in my life by the way. That lead me to stop trying out for things because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Comparison started to creep in. The boys I liked not liking me back during my school years. The heartbreak during my early adult years. Rejection about my looks.The time my professor pretty much told me I wasn't smart enough and wouldn't get a good job offer after college. Feelings of incompetency and feelings of being less than entered my mind. The multiple times I didn't get the job. I questioned if there was something wrong with me the time I really wanted to be a teacher, and just couldn't pass that Praxis because I had a tough time getting a good score on the math portion. Wow, how discouraged I was. Why couldn't I just understand the math? Why has it always been so hard for me? Then there were the multiple times I just didn't fit in with my groups of "friends" and was constantly left out and called out as "too nice or "a goody two shoes". The time I started the mentoring group but just couldn't manage it the way I wanted to discouraged me yet again. Man. I could literally go on and on. I know you get my point by now. This is why God needed me to STOP and LET GO.
Crazy how all these memories flooded my brain one week day morning at the age of 32. I started to question why this was happening. GOD responded. He showed me those memories early that morning. Not because he wanted to punish me, but because he wanted me to move on and realize that my worth was found in him, NOT in the opinions of other people. I sat up in bed and went to the bathroom with tears streaming down my face. I sat and cried my eyes out on the toilet seat. Then I heard something. Let go. Let go. Let go. I heard that phrase about 3 times in a row. God told me (yes I KNOW his voice) that the spirit of rejection had not left me. He told me that those feelings of rejection were hurting my performance at work, preventing me from both starting and finishing things that I was passionate about, and hindering growth in my friendships. That spirit of rejection was slowing my overall growth. Period. I was like whoa.This is deep.This is serious. It's time for me to really hand this over to my savior.
So on that morning, I reflected on those memories from childhood to my adult life. I decided to hand them over to God. I decided to trust that God had a purpose for me. There was a purpose for my pain. All those times I was rejected and tried to fit in, but never could—was so that I could be who God needed me to be. I know it seems a bit insane, we don't understand why God allows us to go through things. But we are to trust in him, not our own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) I love God with all my heart, and I thank him for his love, grace and protection over the years.
Let that rejection go. You aren't who they say you are. You are who GOD says you are. Always remember that. You are loved. Jesus died for me and you. You don't have to let your past or what people think of you define you. Trust God and let go.
As my mind played memories like someone scrolling though pictures on a camera roll, tears flowed down my face, literal tears. All I could feel was the pain of rejection.There was the time when I didn't make the cheerleading team. Sounds silly right. Yeah, apparently it meant way more to me than I thought it did. Not making teams was consistent in my life by the way. That lead me to stop trying out for things because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Comparison started to creep in. The boys I liked not liking me back during my school years. The heartbreak during my early adult years. Rejection about my looks.The time my professor pretty much told me I wasn't smart enough and wouldn't get a good job offer after college. Feelings of incompetency and feelings of being less than entered my mind. The multiple times I didn't get the job. I questioned if there was something wrong with me the time I really wanted to be a teacher, and just couldn't pass that Praxis because I had a tough time getting a good score on the math portion. Wow, how discouraged I was. Why couldn't I just understand the math? Why has it always been so hard for me? Then there were the multiple times I just didn't fit in with my groups of "friends" and was constantly left out and called out as "too nice or "a goody two shoes". The time I started the mentoring group but just couldn't manage it the way I wanted to discouraged me yet again. Man. I could literally go on and on. I know you get my point by now. This is why God needed me to STOP and LET GO.
Crazy how all these memories flooded my brain one week day morning at the age of 32. I started to question why this was happening. GOD responded. He showed me those memories early that morning. Not because he wanted to punish me, but because he wanted me to move on and realize that my worth was found in him, NOT in the opinions of other people. I sat up in bed and went to the bathroom with tears streaming down my face. I sat and cried my eyes out on the toilet seat. Then I heard something. Let go. Let go. Let go. I heard that phrase about 3 times in a row. God told me (yes I KNOW his voice) that the spirit of rejection had not left me. He told me that those feelings of rejection were hurting my performance at work, preventing me from both starting and finishing things that I was passionate about, and hindering growth in my friendships. That spirit of rejection was slowing my overall growth. Period. I was like whoa.This is deep.This is serious. It's time for me to really hand this over to my savior.
So on that morning, I reflected on those memories from childhood to my adult life. I decided to hand them over to God. I decided to trust that God had a purpose for me. There was a purpose for my pain. All those times I was rejected and tried to fit in, but never could—was so that I could be who God needed me to be. I know it seems a bit insane, we don't understand why God allows us to go through things. But we are to trust in him, not our own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) I love God with all my heart, and I thank him for his love, grace and protection over the years.
Let that rejection go. You aren't who they say you are. You are who GOD says you are. Always remember that. You are loved. Jesus died for me and you. You don't have to let your past or what people think of you define you. Trust God and let go.
Comments
Post a Comment